Love Can't be Proven: Battle with Postpartum Depession

Having a baby is hard. Now add that to an unmarried relationship with postpartum depression. Girls have told me even in their married, stable relationship that they fought all the time and had issues.

I have postpartum depression and am not ashamed of it. I have reached out for help because my thoughts scare me and I don't want to think them. Sadly postpardum is the most misunderstood thing ever, it seems. It has made me say awful things I wish I could take back. Yes I am taking meds for it but it is not going to help all the impulse thoughts that pop into my head. It's kinda like being in a dark room and you can't find the light switch. And while you are freaking out, this little voice in the dark is saying things like" don't you wish you could just give her up for adoption". And then I start thinking that and how yes it would be easier and then I tell people, like Tarzan, I want to give her up. Then we fight and then I calm down and am so sorry and want her.

But now because I reached out and tried telling people about my feelings my baby is gone, my boyfriend gone, my little family gone. I was called a bad mom. Tarzan doesn't even believe I love Evie. Love can not be proven and shouldn't have to be between a mother and baby. I love my baby that's why I reached out for help. But if anything Tarzan has proven to me that when times got hard he ran instead of standing by me. I am lost and alone. But I will fight to get Evie back.I am jumping though the DFS hoops by going to therapy and doing what ever they want me to do.

I hope that anyone out there with this can get help but I can tell you it isn't easy and be careful who you tell because people do not understand it.Tell someone you trust and get a support group. You are not alone.

Mommy Loves You: 1st visit

Today I finally got to see Evie for a few hours and it really made my day. I can not describe how much I miss my baby girl. I hated saying good bye and knowing I would not be able to see her again until Monday night.

We played and laughed and snuggled.I am glad she still knew who I was ( I just feel like we have been apart for a long time). She is growing up so fast and it pains me that because all that has happened now I have to fight for my own baby. I miss her and wish she could come home. 

Mommy Loves You: Day 1

Hello to all my readers. A lot has happened with me and Tarzan though the years. And everything has now crumbled. I will not be airing details, as they are not important. But exactly a year today I found out I was preggers. And now I year later I have lost you, Evie. Not forever but tonight I can not see you, nor tomorrow.

I miss you so much. I understand why you have to go but why do I have to go through this pain? This is worse than my favorite cat dieing. Even though I know I will get you back I have spent hours screaming and crying your name. How dare they call me a bad mom! Yes you were unplanned but I love you, I love you more than anything. Your smile is what gets me though the day. Your laugh is so magical. And now we are separated. I am lost and alone, my little family gone. Just know little Evie mommy loves you.