The Stranglehold of Groupon

As I sit here with the bills piling up and wondering how I will feed everyone, I think back to when I started with Groupon and could I have done things different. But I believe the answer is already known.

I did tons of research before I signed up with Groupon and I decided I would treat them like VIPs and not like they were only paying me $22 for their massage. After all they could come back and tell their friends. I let them use my online scheduler and they were able to book any open spots. I even was working extra just to squeeze everyone in.

I had one Groupon who claimed she accidentally bought 2 (my limit is 1 and gift the other). But I thought about losing the money so I let her use both. I had a wife and husband, successfully scam me and use his package for her massage. I have had countless on the phone, text, email and in person threats from Groupons. And two bad reviews by Groupons that didn’t get their way. So here are my rules for running a Groupon. Keep in mind they are funny but serious suggestions.

Step 1: Buy a burner phone or borrow a friend’s unused phone.

Why? Because you will need to screen all calls coming in. I no longer answer my phone because I want to hear why the people are calling and I also need to look them up and get the details on that Groupon.  So get you a cheap phone and list that number on your Groupon.  And if you can don’t get a text plan. These weirdos will be calling and texting you ALL hours of the day. I get calls in the middle of the night.

Step 2: Disable your online scheduler.

 For awhile I had a book online system but this didn’t work out. It allowed Groupons to just book spots they wanted and I ended up with tons and tons of people but no money. And then I had to block off spots so they couldn’t take all my time but then my regulars thought I was booked. What I mess. Defiantly don’t give these cheap people access to booking online.

Step 3: Get rid of your office hours online. 

Ok so I am kind of joking here but because the Groupons know my hours they will be showing up at the office during these times for a walk in or to see if they can get in sooner. Just hide those hours, they won’t know when you’ll be there so they can’t stalk you.

Step 4: Keep your office door locked.

Now this is my little joke, to always keep your door locked when at the business. But why? Because I’ve had so many Groupons walk in and harass me and want a walk in or they come hours early for their massage. It’s annoying.

Step 5: Schedule Groupons 1 per day, or 2.

But you say at that rate I’ll never see anyone. Yeah it sucks doesn’t it. But sadly this is what I have to do or my time will be wasted because we all know Groupons love booking massages and then no showing or last minute canceling. It’s just great. So they are booked 1 or 2, back to back at them end of my shift.

Step 6: Have iron clad policies.

This is no joke. I have dealt with so much bullshit with these people. Have a no show policy and take credit card numbers. I don’t allow late arrivals after 20 mins, at 15 mins the door gets locked. And yes, I did have someone show up 25 mins late and demand their massage. They all will whine “but we didn’t know about your no show policy”. False. I told you all on the phone. You have to really should hire Thor to be your Groupon bouncer.

So as you read some of this you may be are thinking how anti-business all this is. And you are right! Groupon will run your business in to the ground. Grouons rarely  come back and after they had to wait almost 2 months to see you why would they rebook. Sadly they have forced my hand to put up strict boundaries, to try to be fair for everyone.

This whole article is my way of laughing it off and showing you how to run your own deal. So get out there, nail the door shut and run your deal! Your business will be better the ever.