Letters to Evie

So back in October I started this blog because I thought maybe new parents might come across it and be like boy we are going through the same ups and downs and we don't know anything about babies. But hey at least we aren't alone. 
Now the focus has shifted to I don't know what, just trying to stay strong for Evie, I guess. I know that many other parents have gone through this pain of having their child ripped away. And from what I hear it happens a lot.One of my friends at the spa told me about how her brother had to fight for years just to see his girl. Come to find out now that the kid is older she wants nothing to do with her own mom because her mom used her as a pawn. So I guess through my ups and downs I can give hope to those people. Hope that hey I am still here and alive. An know matter what I am still Evie's mom.

So now I am going to start letters to Evie. And someday when she asks questions I will show her how much I care and love her.I hope that these letters can inspire other parents out there and perhaps, through fate, someone who needs some hope will find this blog.

Dear Evie,
This morning I didn't want to wake up. I stayed up all last night watching shows and snuggled on the couch without you. This is when I miss you the most. Do you remember when you were so tiny and we used to snuggle on the couch and fall asleep together? Your little baby snores were so cute! I just saw you at the mall yesterday and I already miss you. I can't wait to see you again and play with your new rocking horse. You love chewing on that horse, lol. You are one very lucky girl to have such a nice grandma to buy you stuff and take you shopping. She loves you very much and takes great care of you. And I know your little bathing suit will look great on you.I hope you and your dad have a great day.
Mommy

Missing Evie

Today was my first day back at work. It was a very slow day but I had a good friend to hang out with all day. That helped a lot. Today was also my first day of therapy and it went well. But it is only Monday and I want it to be Saturday so I can see Evie. I miss her so much. I can not even describe the pain of missing her. It's not like I can text her or call. She is only 5 months old and seeing her only on Saturdays means she is going to grow up so fast before my eyes. I hate this, I hate the people that did this to me and if there was a hell even that would not be enough to wish upon them! I know this sounds mean but who in their right mind takes a baby away from its mom? This whole event did not just happen. It was coldly thought out. But then again why am I not surprised.

Almost Saturday

It is almost Saturday! I can't wait to see little Evie. She is growing up so fast. Now she is blowing bubbles and making new noises.All this week I have been planing what I am going to do with her on our play date.I have new books to read to her and I bought her a cute blue teddy bear at the flea market yesterday, she's gonna love it. I just saw her Monday so starting this Saturday I don't know how I am going to make it a whole week without seeing her. But some how I will make it through.

See you soon Evie!

Stronger

So life with Evie is going slightly better. I get to see her every Saturday from 3-5. I miss her so much every day. It must be hard you think to be away from the one thing you love so much And yes it is very hard for me. I don't know how I do it. But I do and I am still here alive and well. Even with all the pain and betrail I am still here! I feel like with this much pain I should have died.But you know what doesn't kill you makes you stronger.

To all my readers I would like to share what I said that made them take Evie away.(Oh and if you are offended by anything I post about Tarzan for now on I say too bad for you. I don't care. He told me he loved me and was committed. Well he lied and Evie is not rightfully his cuz guess what everybody he didn't marry me!)
 So back to what I was saying, I said I wanted to put her up for adoption. But let me explain why I said it. I got up every morning when to work, came home to a mess and a dead beat guy who did nothing but play video games and watch Evie. I then had to cook and clean, then take Evie so Tarzan could go to his 1 night class. By the time he got home I had to go to bed so I could get up and do it all again. He refused to get a job of any sort or help out anymore. In his eyes he was watching Evie and didn't have to work.So I broke and I wanted Evie to have a better life. Is that so wrong? So the one person I was trying to get Evie away from now has her. Is that messed up or what? I know right, now do you see. But some day Evie will be back and all mine. No I will not keep her from her dad but as soon as she grows up and sees what a disappointment he is she will know how I feel. Believe me, I know, I still can find no love in my heart for my own dad today. A mother's and baby's bond to one another is the strongest bond. Tarzan will never break it no matter how much he tries.

Love Can't be Proven: Battle with Postpartum Depession

Having a baby is hard. Now add that to an unmarried relationship with postpartum depression. Girls have told me even in their married, stable relationship that they fought all the time and had issues.

I have postpartum depression and am not ashamed of it. I have reached out for help because my thoughts scare me and I don't want to think them. Sadly postpardum is the most misunderstood thing ever, it seems. It has made me say awful things I wish I could take back. Yes I am taking meds for it but it is not going to help all the impulse thoughts that pop into my head. It's kinda like being in a dark room and you can't find the light switch. And while you are freaking out, this little voice in the dark is saying things like" don't you wish you could just give her up for adoption". And then I start thinking that and how yes it would be easier and then I tell people, like Tarzan, I want to give her up. Then we fight and then I calm down and am so sorry and want her.

But now because I reached out and tried telling people about my feelings my baby is gone, my boyfriend gone, my little family gone. I was called a bad mom. Tarzan doesn't even believe I love Evie. Love can not be proven and shouldn't have to be between a mother and baby. I love my baby that's why I reached out for help. But if anything Tarzan has proven to me that when times got hard he ran instead of standing by me. I am lost and alone. But I will fight to get Evie back.I am jumping though the DFS hoops by going to therapy and doing what ever they want me to do.

I hope that anyone out there with this can get help but I can tell you it isn't easy and be careful who you tell because people do not understand it.Tell someone you trust and get a support group. You are not alone.

Mommy Loves You: 1st visit

Today I finally got to see Evie for a few hours and it really made my day. I can not describe how much I miss my baby girl. I hated saying good bye and knowing I would not be able to see her again until Monday night.

We played and laughed and snuggled.I am glad she still knew who I was ( I just feel like we have been apart for a long time). She is growing up so fast and it pains me that because all that has happened now I have to fight for my own baby. I miss her and wish she could come home. 

Mommy Loves You: Day 1

Hello to all my readers. A lot has happened with me and Tarzan though the years. And everything has now crumbled. I will not be airing details, as they are not important. But exactly a year today I found out I was preggers. And now I year later I have lost you, Evie. Not forever but tonight I can not see you, nor tomorrow.

I miss you so much. I understand why you have to go but why do I have to go through this pain? This is worse than my favorite cat dieing. Even though I know I will get you back I have spent hours screaming and crying your name. How dare they call me a bad mom! Yes you were unplanned but I love you, I love you more than anything. Your smile is what gets me though the day. Your laugh is so magical. And now we are separated. I am lost and alone, my little family gone. Just know little Evie mommy loves you.