Love Can't be Proven: Battle with Postpartum Depession

Having a baby is hard. Now add that to an unmarried relationship with postpartum depression. Girls have told me even in their married, stable relationship that they fought all the time and had issues.

I have postpartum depression and am not ashamed of it. I have reached out for help because my thoughts scare me and I don't want to think them. Sadly postpardum is the most misunderstood thing ever, it seems. It has made me say awful things I wish I could take back. Yes I am taking meds for it but it is not going to help all the impulse thoughts that pop into my head. It's kinda like being in a dark room and you can't find the light switch. And while you are freaking out, this little voice in the dark is saying things like" don't you wish you could just give her up for adoption". And then I start thinking that and how yes it would be easier and then I tell people, like Tarzan, I want to give her up. Then we fight and then I calm down and am so sorry and want her.

But now because I reached out and tried telling people about my feelings my baby is gone, my boyfriend gone, my little family gone. I was called a bad mom. Tarzan doesn't even believe I love Evie. Love can not be proven and shouldn't have to be between a mother and baby. I love my baby that's why I reached out for help. But if anything Tarzan has proven to me that when times got hard he ran instead of standing by me. I am lost and alone. But I will fight to get Evie back.I am jumping though the DFS hoops by going to therapy and doing what ever they want me to do.

I hope that anyone out there with this can get help but I can tell you it isn't easy and be careful who you tell because people do not understand it.Tell someone you trust and get a support group. You are not alone.

Mommy Loves You: 1st visit

Today I finally got to see Evie for a few hours and it really made my day. I can not describe how much I miss my baby girl. I hated saying good bye and knowing I would not be able to see her again until Monday night.

We played and laughed and snuggled.I am glad she still knew who I was ( I just feel like we have been apart for a long time). She is growing up so fast and it pains me that because all that has happened now I have to fight for my own baby. I miss her and wish she could come home. 

Mommy Loves You: Day 1

Hello to all my readers. A lot has happened with me and Tarzan though the years. And everything has now crumbled. I will not be airing details, as they are not important. But exactly a year today I found out I was preggers. And now I year later I have lost you, Evie. Not forever but tonight I can not see you, nor tomorrow.

I miss you so much. I understand why you have to go but why do I have to go through this pain? This is worse than my favorite cat dieing. Even though I know I will get you back I have spent hours screaming and crying your name. How dare they call me a bad mom! Yes you were unplanned but I love you, I love you more than anything. Your smile is what gets me though the day. Your laugh is so magical. And now we are separated. I am lost and alone, my little family gone. Just know little Evie mommy loves you.

1st Thanksgiving

 



Evie has been very busy already this holiday season.We went to go see two very close friends of Tarzan's on Wednesday.They have a little two year old and have given us tons of handy downs.This was their first time seeing little Evie and were very excited!

 We watched lots of Doctor Who and just hung out. Evie was the center of attention, just how she likes it.


She also loved their little girl.I think she loves people more her size.

 After spending the night we went on to Thanksgiving dinner.Evie got to see everyone and even though she was a bit fussy had big grins for everyone.

She finally fell asleep in her grandma's arms. Just so sweet!

She stayed the night with her grandma (side note: upon being asked what she wanted to be called she replied foxy grandma).I hear they had a blast.When foxy grandma dropped Evie off she was so tired from all her holiday fun.

New Fish

So the other day I went to go get weekend feeders for my fish because we are going out of town for Thanksgiving.Well of course Evie had to come along, she loves shopping :)

My goal was to get in and out. After I found my fish food, Evie did her "take me out of my stroller so I can see" fuss. We walked by all the fish tanks at the back of the store and her eyes got so wide. So I stood there for a bit showing her everything. She just loved looking at them. She really loved the mollie tank. I don't know why but she just did.

Well I decided to buy her two. My tank could use some more so I figured why not.She has a dalmatian one named Prince and the black female is named Midnight. She loves watching them swim around my tank here at home.Too cute!

Shower Fresh Baby

So you just had this little bundle of joy and all is fine and dandy until it is bathing time.What do you do when your baby cries when you put her in the tub and screams when you try to wash her hair? You get undressed and undress your silly new baby girl and take a shower with her!

Yep this is now how Evie gets groomed. Baths just aren't her thing I guess. I think maybe she gets a little scared. But as long as she's in mommy's arms she knows she is safe. Plus when I have her in the shower it makes it a lot easier to wash her hair. I have to bath her every 2 days because she has cradle cap. We even got that special lotion for it, she looks like a grease money every time we apply it, lol.

She loves showers! She will just grin and grin when the water hits her back.It is like a little massage to her.And when she is all done I wrap her up, dry her off and put her in

her crib so I can get shower time.

Evie's Fashon Show

 


These are all dresses I wore when I was a baby. I thought it would be fun to put Evie in them.

This is one of my favorite yellow dresses.

So pretty in green!

My mom made her an elephant.

This one I took of her in her cradle.

.

Crazy Halloween

So this week has been crazy busy. At work it seemed every time I would turn around there was a massage to give.Not like I am complaining but it didn't give me much time to sit and relax.Also Tarzan has started night classes. So basically I race to work, race home, cook dinner (if there is time), then take Evie until he gets back from class. So basically no me time but its ok because I know I can catch up on the weekends, which is what I am doing right now. Needless to say money has been tight these past few weeks and all my tips for work help.

So this was Evie's first halloween and I fiqured she was too young to trick or treat so we stayed in and watched a scary mvie, Wicked Little Things.It was about scary miner , kid zombies chaseing and killing people. Evie would watch the tv sometimes and be babbleing on about baby stuff. Super cute!
Next Halloween I am taking her trick or treating. I plan on her being Snow White.

But this year she was a cute pumpkin.

Evie's Big Weekend

This weekend my parents finally got to come visit.My aunt was able to help them out by picking them up.They all live about 3 hours away from me. So they got to go on a crazy road trip in my aunts car.  When they pulled up Evie and I were outside waiting for them when they pulled up.We had to make sure they found us. I do believe they are hopeless sometimes, they seem to have a knack for getting lost, lol.


My aunt baked yummy cookies and pumpkin bread for everyone.

 




My parents finally got to see their little grand-baby. My mom was so happy to hold her. She kept telling me she was gonna leave Dingo,my little dog,in the crib and steal Evie, she was joking of course.






 

 
Also I told my brother since he was an uncle he was no on diaper duty,lol .He really enjoyed holding his little, wigglely niece.




I recently just got a new car and it is a stick. When I told him about my new ride he got really exited. So I took my brother out driving.He really liked driving in the parking lot,I was teaching him about 1st and 2nd gear.He still has a lot to learn.

Evie enjoyed spending some quality time with her favorite aunt while we were out driving.

Tarzan's mom wanted to meet everyone and treated us all to Crackle Barrel on Sunday. We all had a blast,especially Evie. She loved staring at the ceiling fan.She was being a social butterfly with everyone and smiling so much.
My aunt and her grandma had fun looking at all the cute little girl things in the little Crackle Barrel store.

I am so glad everyone got visit! It was such a great weekend hang out with everyone.

Babies 101

I thought I would openly share some of the ugly truths about babies. This not meant to negative at all. But before you have a baby it helps to know what you are getting into.


power to calm her down. You should know the 1st 2 weeks were the worst because she would cry after we had feed and changed her. We didn't know how to calm her down. This was very depressing and hard on me.


2) RIP old life. Your life is not over, I have learned, but it is now totally different Yes this sounds like a no brainier. Duh its gonna be different I thought but no biggy, I handle change well. But from the moment I left that hospital, life was no longer as I knew it. It was a big shock to me and I had trouble adjusting.


3) No sleep really means NO sleep. Be prepared for no sleep in those first months, babies have to eat every 2 -3 hours. Evie was always hungry it seemed. Just as I was drifting off she would wake up again. Tarzan and I both decided to take shifts. That was a life saver! I remember saying to him that I couldn't do this with out his help and he agreed. I honestly don't know how single moms do it.We were so sleep deprived and stressed that first month I don't know how we survived.


4) House work doesn't matter. Now if you are a clean freak like me then those dishes in the sink may be bugging you. But don't do 1) Babies cry. I thought my baby won't cry or fuss because I thought that I had that magic mom them because chances are you haven't slept, eaten or even used the bathroom. Oh and forget about a shower. Evie loves to be held and we couldn't put her down at that stage. I remember having to take her to the bathroom just to pee. When the baby sleeps you should either be eating or sleeping, believe me.


5) This too shall pass. Things are so much better now that she is about 2 1/2 months old. We know all her cries now. I have now gotten that magic mom power to calm her down because I know what she likes. Tarzan and I have worked out our shifts and breaks and thus have rhythm. And yes it was all worth it. I have a happy, healthy baby that smiles at me when I get home. It's the best feeling in the world.

Evie's Mall Trip

Today Evie,Grandma and me went to the mall. I figured it would be fun for all three of us to go out and see all the pretties. Evie loves to go places.She just stares at everything with that blank baby look and occasionally smiles.

Turns out that little red button folds the stroller.

I already had a stroller but I couldn't figure out how it folded up.We tried and tried but nothing made sense to me.So her grandma said she wanted to just go buy one anyways so she could take her dog and Evie for walks .

We went to Target and found this one stroller that folds in seconds.So Evie got a new stroller! But we had to put it together.I thought maybe some Target staff might help a couple of ladies with a baby put it together so we could shop and go on into the mall. Nope they don't do that. Rude! The just stood around and watched us.

So there I was on the floor putting together this stroller. It wasn't all that hard.But I had to put these metal pins in the metal axial rod to secure the wheels (they looked like little bobby pins)and the last one would not go in.So a Target guy comes up to ask if I need a tool.I say yes please , I am glad he tried to help.So after many tries I get the pin in.Thank goodness.

After all that hard work we were off.We of course had to see the new Halloween store in the mall. It was pretty cool in there. But little Evie got hungry so we found a place to feed her.But she couldn't stop looking at everything to eat very much. After that we went to a cute, little kids cloth store.Evie picked out some cute things to put on her wish list.After that we went to Bath and Body Works and a  store clerk smiled at her. But the happy moment didn't last long because some one had to get fussy. She was just so sleepy but was fighting it so she could she all the new stuff. After getting some drinks we headed back.The drive back put her to sleep. Overall it was a good trip.

Pumpkin Time

It's my favorite time of year, fall ! And my favorite holiday is almost here, Halloween !!! So to get in the festive spirit Evie and I decided to paint some pumpkins.She helped by sitting on my lap and supervising the painting.

After lots of brainstorming we did a vampire one because Evie's new favorite show is Vampire Diaries.We are really into that show lately.We enjoy watching it as we snuggle on the couch or while she is drinking a bottle.I think she's got a crush on Stefan, lol. And then we did a big scary face to scare off all those demons outside.

I really love doing things with her. Even though she is so young and won't remember any of this it's still cool to make memories with her.She was very interested in watching me paint,all wide eyed.So cute!

The Crazy World of Bottles

Evenflow

If you are a new parent like me you may think that all bottles are created equal.But as we found out this is not true.At first we tried these Evenflow bottles.I bought them at Target, 4 bucks for a 3 pack.When I was in the bottle section I saw all the fancy bottles and prices.I thought to myself do those really work? I kinda laughed because I did not believe that a bottle could reduce colic, spit up and burps.

Evie's grandma watched her one night and noticed that she was burping a lot of air.We just thought babies burped a lot.She said that her friend thought these Dr. Brown bottles worked wonders.So she got us a pack.And man oh man these bottles are awesome! Evie loves them so much.

Dr. Brown bottles

Evie's Trip to Alton

This weekend Evie got to go on a big trip ,with her grandma, to Alton to meet her daddy's side of the family.She was so good in the car ride.She really seems to love to go places, so much to see! When she arrived she was showing off and smiling at everyone.

She can't wait to go back for Thanksgiving.

Great grandma

Grandma feeding her

Evie's Aunt

Back at Work

 

So there may be some of you wondering what we are doing about money and child care.
Tarzan and me talked about it and decided that he would say home with Evie while I worked and then we would switch off when I got back home and then he could take night classes.Our reasons for this was because he had helped me when I went to school and what little money I did make back then had to go to my stupid credit card and trying to pay off my car debts at the time.So I figured I would give him a break to focus on school.Plus now I am the "sugar momma working" at the spa (lol),I am a massage therapist.I love where I work because I love helping people. All the staff is super nice and I heard from my friend,who also is a massage therapist, that all the girls were asking about me and were wondering when I was coming back.

Last week,on Monday, was my first day back.I could not wait to go back! But I knew I'd miss my baby girl so I took a picture and taped it above the cd player in my car.Also I made a picture of her my wallpaper on my phone.Oh and did I mention my phone camera album only has pictures of her in it? Now I know why those parents have baby pictures on their desks. It makes you feel like you kid is right there with you.

After being off for two months, going back to work was so weird and a lot had changed.Some of the summer staff had not come back to work in the fall so I ended up meeting a lot of new receptionists.And of course everyone wanted to know about the baby. It was just so great to be back.My mom has always said that I am a people person.And I know now she has been spot on. I thrive in this supportive spa environment.I meet new people every day and get to hear their stories and perhaps learn something from them.Let me tell you it's so great not to have to work at Kohl's anymore.

All last week though I would count down the hours till it was time to go home. I could not wait to go home and hold little Evie and do things I had planned for us when I got off.

I think we have found a happy balance.Tarzan watches her and then gets his much needed break when I get home.And I don't mind taking her because I have missed her all day.This is the happiest I have been in a long time.